Once a journey, now a story

Man, lately things have gotten even crazier. It's only days before the results and I'm growing even more anxious. I do hope to at least have the chance for an interview. But I need to prepare my heart for the rejection too. Meanwhile, I'm drafting the essays for Australia Awards. I keep thinking what I could've done much better with my Chevening essays. That's why I want the interview so bad. At least I can have the chance to do things I should've done and put in my essays. Haha if only my mentor could see this post, I think he would say how messy my writing is right now. Man, organisation goes haywire when my mind is super chaotic. It's 23:33 pm and tomorrow is Monday, should've been asleep hours ago but my mind is restless. Goodnight world. 

So, here I am, once again. Honestly, I have no Idea what to say. Well, I think it's more like, I have no idea where to start. February is coming fast. I'm not ready... I wonder if it will break me? I guess it will. It's not like anyone's gonna read this so I'm just gonna pour this out. I'm still struggling. After years and years of battling my anxiety, I haven't gotten any better. The feeling of losing all my breath, as if my lungs have been sucked empty of oxygen. My chest hurts, trying to grasp the air but it fails. Everything around me seems blurry, I can barely hear a word. Some other time, my other demon appears, all vile and foul whispers planted into my brain. "You're worthless... " "You're nothing. No one loves you..." "Everyone secretly hates you..." "You can't do anything. You mean nothing." The problem is, like incantations and prayers, I believe in them. I loathe myself every single time

Two or three days ago, I found myself back in my old blog posts.  I used to write and read a lot. Well, I still read a lot but I can't say the same thing about my writing. But, then I re-read my old blog posts, noticing mistakes I've made a long time ago, and I realised that I have made an improvement. The important thing, however, was the fact that I was brave. 

Those who write, are mostly successful. I mean I've found another one. After reading and talking to my mentor about his writing, and kak Nanak's writing, I found, yet, another inspiring person and when I searched about him, (not) surprisingly I found his blog. It was a blog mostly about him and his jokes. He's funny. And he makes funny blog posts, about his friends, and even about Korean dramas 😂 Well, I found him by coincidence. One beautiful morning, I woke up to a missed call icon on my notification, the number was unfamiliar to me. "Who could it be?" After checking his profile picture and his Whatsapp name, I found out that we have common groups.  FYI I am an admin of several whatsapp groups for scholarship hunters and apparently he's one of the members. So~I asked if I can help him with anything (of course it's about the scholarship) 🤣 At first, he asked me who I am (nah loh) 😂. Then we cleared the misunderstanding. He said he accidentall

"Where have you been my whole life?" That's what I said to myself when I found out about the instagram id @fatchickenbooks, the secondhand bookshop which sells 'pre-loved-posh condition books'. I'm finally at the point in my life where I can afford my quite expensive hobby, collecting books. Well, not always. My program is to buy books once every month, the quantity doesn't matter, as long as it's only once in a month (that's to prevent myself from starvation because I tend to...shop too many books). I usually buy my books from www.periplus.com (not endorsed), it was my first heaven. To me, none of the bookshops in town is good enough, because none of them sells any original and imported books I love. The problem is, because I have to import the book, it will also take quite a long time. Usually it's around a month long before all my books arrive. That's quite a long wait for an impatient prick like me. Moreover, the more books I bu

Been years, hasn't it? I've grown a lot (bigger and older) since the last time. I guess I'll start telling you about my job because that's what's been occupying my mind and time recently. It's my second year of teaching. Who would've thought that I'd ended up becoming a teacher? I mean, I wouldn't. I used to think that teaching is not my thing. I'm not good around many people and I don't really have any fond memories from my school days. But, hey? Here I am spending my days with all those kids and I'm as happy as I can be. I guess I've finally found the place where I belong. My school isn't actually a big one, we had only 17 students on our first year. But I guess I have fallen in love with teaching when I met them. To be honest, I have fallen in love with them, being around them. It was never an easy start for me, I've never had any teaching practices at any school before. I used to cry a lot when I felt like I couldn&